My own captor.

"There is nothing to writing.
All you do is sit down at a typewriter and bleed."
~Ernest Hemingway

I have no one to blame but myself for my lethargy and the lack of excitement in my life.  And I’m not talking about the drama type of excitement.  The will-they-or-won’t-they drama.  Or the why-didn’t-he-call drama.  Or the can-you-believe-he/she-did-that drama.  Or the my-life-is-so-hard drama.  I’m talking about the excitement of being alive.  The wake up and thank the universe for blood pumping through your veins kind of excitement.  I am happy.  But I am not satisfied.  I want more.  I want change.  I want movement.  And I want growth.  It makes me sad that I am the source of my own discontent.  I know what to say and what to counsel others to do.  And yet here I sit, alone in my room, in my underwear, crying into my computer.

I have no excitement.

What is it that I want out of life?  Who is it that I see myself becoming?  What is it that I would sacrifice anything to achieve?  My passion.  It speaks to me in fits and bursts.  I hear it and my heart pounds in recognition.  But then day-to-day life nudges it out.  I can’t allow the mundane to dampen the beauty around me.  I won’t allow the routine to stifle the allure of the unknown.  And yet, this is exactly what I’ve been allowing.  I speak of strength and growth and change and alignment.  Yet I ache with a desire to shuck it all and start over.  Who needs a job?  Who needs a house?  Who needs stuff?  Who needs life as we know it?  I remember, vaguely, how it felt to be free of these things.  Am I working toward a life where my truth is always my reality?  No.  And this is what stings my soul today.  I know that I am my own captor.

And in that thought lies all the power to overcome.

My writing is never easy.
It comes
in fits and bursts
when my soul is twisted
and my bones are dry.
Only words
unlock the calm
to reveal inner truths
and awaken
and soothe
what without words sits crouched
deep in the joints
Ready to feed on every insecurity
and "what if."
But one word
one line
one page
is enough
to steady my heart
Until the thoughts come again.
My writing is never easy.



✏️ Writer • 🎤 Speaker • 🙋🏻 Teacher • RESILIENT OPTIMIST • Sharing words of love and compassion.