I sleep all day then read all night. Sometimes I write a little.
What am I afraid of?
I tell strangers I am a writer and they are intrigued. I tell them I write about spirituality and they always want to share their thoughts. Perhaps this is only because I am in India. How would people respond to me in DC if this is what I told them? Would I even tell people this in DC? Is this even the truth? I write about my path to spirituality. That is something.
Right now the path is tangled in weeds of relationships. Forgetting and letting go of Christopher* and what I wanted him/us to be. Accepting what/who he truly is. Forgiving myself for being open and vulnerable with Tomas*, knowing full well what his past is and what his patterns show.
Ultimately I didn’t trust Tomas. It isn’t a matter of his trustworthiness. He is trustworthy. He is willing to love and be loved. He is open to sharing his weaknesses and vulnerabilities and sympathetic to my sharing of mine. But that doesn’t mean I can or should trust him with my heart.
As Carrie Bradshaw shares in this Sex and the City clip, I too am looking for love. Real love. Ridiculous. Consuming. Cant-live-without-each-other love. And I don’t think that is what Tomas offers to me.
I am looking to share myself completely with someone and to have them see me, accept me, and then to hold my heart sacred. I am looking for a man I can count on to be present for me in all times and in all things, to the best of his ability. I am looking for a man who sees my beauty as well as my ugliness and yet still says, “I am here for you. You can count on me. I trust you with my heart and you can trust me with yours.”
I trusted Tomas with my heart. I made space for him in my life and invited him into my most vulnerable places. But if he is not in a place with me to say he will hold that space sacred, then this is not the relationships I am looking. And I don’t see the point in investing any more of my heart and trusting anymore of my truest, most vulnerable self with someone who is not “the one.” I believe that is a waste of my energy and, more importantly, is taking away valuable space in my heart which I could be using to find and love the right person.
Sure we are “friends.” Sure we “know” each other. But to continue to share and build intimacy and trust where there is no chance of success in achieving my goal – a partnership and love that is my home – seems counter-productive. If I leave space in my heart for Tomas or Christopher by sharing myself emotionally and by attempting to remain a part of their lives, then I am limiting the space available for the right man to come along. What need would I have for “the one” if parts of my heart are shared with so many others?
I am looking for love, real love. Ridiculous. Consuming. Can’t-live-without-each-other love. And I will not water down my desire in order to have a half-assed version of intimacy with someone right now. Not when there is a man out there ready and willing to love me all out.
I keep trying. I keep dipping my toe in and allowing myself to be open and vulnerable a little bit at a time. But I refuse to share my whole self with anyone who doesn’t receive that love with the tenderness it deserves and who doesn’t see that love as the scared gift it is.
When I say I don’t trust Tomas, it has absolutely nothing to do with his integrity or his ability to be trusted. It is simply that my understanding of love, intimacy, and eternal partnership is rooted in sharing all of myself with one person. A person who is equally committed to sharing all of himself only with me.
Tomas is not that person. I do not trust that he is sharing parts of himself with me that he doesn’t openly share with others. Nor do I trust, when I share parts of myself with only him, that he recognizes what a cherished gift that is.
Tomas and I had a connection which I sincerely hoped would lead to a loving relationship – so much more than a friendship. I would not have been open to more time with him had I not. But after opening my heart to him, that is not what happened for us.
So I thank him. I am grateful for him. But I cannot continue to give space for him in my heart if I want to allow space for my true companion and true love to come into my life. It’s a matter of communication, managed expectations, and honesty.
If neither Tomas nor Christopher are the man I want to build my life around, then how does being friends with them enable me or support me in getting closer to the loving partnership I ultimately seek?
Why do we keep space for people who do not serve us, guide us, or support us in becoming our best selves?
This is worth examining.
I say I don’t want to be alone, but I am so comfortable with it. What I really mean is I don’t want to be lonely. And I think I’m learning a little bit better everyday how to connect with people and to allow myself to be loved.
The list of men who are wrong for me yet I have allowed into my life is exhaustive. I’d rather learn to accept the one who is right for me. Part of that is accepting myself and my story. This is why I must write it. I must release it and let it go.
I am loving.
I am compassionate.
I am gentle and kind to all.
I am worthy of the most beautiful and sacred love.
*All names have been changed to protect anonymity.